Purpose in a Painful Place

Testimony by Darla Smith

 

“You have cancer”.  These words hung in the air like ice as my husband and I sat at the doctor’s office, frozen in time, trying to assimilate what we had just heard.   Those few minutes seemed to last an eternity while many questions raced though my mind all at once.  How could this possibly be?  Is this for real?  This must be a mistake; I have too much living yet to do.  Lord, how can this be?

 

Once we had recovered from the initial shock, we drove home to face telling our two sons that their mother had just been diagnosed with cancer.  We wept and prayed together.  This was one of the most heart wrenching announcements I have ever had to make. 

 

Almost five weeks of agonizing waiting elapsed from the time of diagnosis until my surgery date. Although I was not ready emotionally to face losing parts of my body forever, I knew, for survival’s sake, I must do so. I cannot begin to explain all the excruciating emotions that I went through preparing for that day. 

 

On February 4th, 2003, I underwent a mastectomy and a sentinel node biopsy.  After a ten-day wait, the surgeon informed Eugene and me that all four lymph nodes he had removed were affected.  Eugene turned as white as a sheet and almost passed out on the surgeon’s floor. I was numb.  This meant chemotherapy treatments and a further surgery to remove more lymph nodes.

 

On March 24th, 2003, just two days after my 44th birthday, I was petrified as I walked the long corridor of the hospital to the chemotherapy department.  Still very sore from the surgery and from the insertion of a port-a-cath into my chest through which the nurses would administer the chemo, I just had to steel myself and keep moving forward.  As I went, looming over my mind was the imminent threat of losing all my hair, plus a long list of other possible side effects.  “Oh, Lord, give me strength to endure, power to go, knowing You go before”, was my prayer.  This prayer became a line to one of the songs I wrote during this ordeal.

 

I was so nauseous and sick, even with the steroids and anti-nausea drugs the doctor prescribed, that I had to be hospitalized for the first 24 hours after each of the six treatments that were three weeks apart. I was ill for the first two weeks, and during the last week, I began to feel better.  Then it was time for the next treatment.  

 

One day during the chemo treatments, I was sitting in my big armchair with the Scriptures open to Zephaniah 3:17.  It says:

 

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

 

I was ill and weak from enduring the treatments and my bald head was contributing greatly to an unshakable unlovely feeling.  In this state, I said to the Lord, “Lord look at me.  I am weak and undone and so unlovely.  What could you possibly be singing over me today?”  I heard His still small voice and He answered me with a new song.  I wrote down the words He spoke to my heart and have crafted it into a song called  “I AM.” It appears on my latest CD.

 

I AM

© 2005 Darla Smith

 

You are My treasured possession

You are the child of My dreams

You are made in My image

You are the apple of My eye

 

Chorus:

I am holy and true

I am faithful to you

I will never leave you

I am gracious and good

I’m committed to you

I will always love you

I’m your father and your friend

I AM

 

You are in My heart forever

You are My delight and My joy

You are called to My purpose

You are chosen by My hand

 

 

 

These words ministered to me deeply.  To know that God Himself was singing and rejoicing over me, even though I was weak, sick and ugly in my own eyes, was a great comfort and encouragement to me. 

 

After the chemotherapy treatments, the doctors wanted to remove more lymph nodes just to make sure that they had gotten all the cancerous ones.  I dreaded the thought and agonized over the prospect of more surgery, crying many tears of despair. Because of the possible side affects I’d been told about, I did not want to go through with it. The more lymph nodes that are removed the greater the probability of complications with the arm that is involved. I am a musician/songwriter and playing the piano is a necessary skill for writing songs and leading worship.   This is an extension of who I am and I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing that.  I wanted to run away and hide until all danger had passed.  The problem was this, the danger looming was within my own body and it had to be removed.

 

One cloudy evening just before the surgery date I took my Bible and a coffee and drove down by the river; there I had my own garden of Gethsemane. I prayed, and inquired of the Lord with intensity and tears.  I asked the Lord, “Is there any way that this cup could pass from me?”  As I prayed and dealt with God, I felt as if I had entered into a holy place with the Lord.  I just knew that my God, the creator of heaven and earth, had heard my heart’s cry. The moment I said “Amen”, the clouds opened up right in front of me, and the most breathtaking sunset I have ever seen shone through.  And I felt that God was saying, “I heard you…I heard you”.   This was my confirmation from the heavens.

 

You might ask, “Where is your God in all of this?  Why didn’t He just heal you?  You are a committed Christian and have served Him with all of your heart.  So why is He allowing this to attack your life?”  There are many questions when we encounter difficulties and even life threatening circumstances.  All I know is that God knows best.  I had to pass through this valley of giants knowing it was my God who was going before me.  It was my God who was holding my hand each step of the way. 

 

Even after experiencing the holy place with the Lord in my car, I still had to choose to believe that God had spoken: I still had to deal with a war within my self.  I had to choose to believe against all odds. Emotions are strong things but I’ve learned through this to try to put my emotions on a lower plane than God’s Word.  My emotions are wrong 99% of the time.  No matter what we are feeling, God’s Word remains the truth.

 

The morning of the surgery I got up and looked at my bald self in the mirror and said before the Lord…”This is the day.  Lord if you don’t go before me…how will I have the strength to go through with this?”  He said two words and I heard them in my heart as clearly as if they were audible…”TRUST ME”.  And so I went, not knowing what was ahead for me, not knowing the outcome of the surgery, not knowing if they would find more cancer, not knowing many things. 

 

 

Excerpt from

‘Purify Me’

© 2005 Darla Smith

 

When there seems to be no way out but through

When there are doubts that cloud my view

Still I’ll trust Your faithfulness

Your mercy still endures

I will find security in the center of Your will

 

Chorus:

Give me courage to stand

Grace to accept what I don’t understand

Give me strength to endure

Power to go, knowing You go before
As I cry out, and fall to my knees

Purify, purify me.

 

 

The Lord kept His promise to me. This time we received a wonderful pathology report. “No more cancer!” 

 

The Lord wanted me to trust Him completely. When I came to that place of trust, relying on the Holy Spirit to take me there, then peace began to rule.  Peace and trust go hand in hand. 

 

I am back singing, writing new songs, playing piano and leading worship.  I have just released a new CD entitled, ‘Anchor Me’, containing twelve new songs that God has given.  He is so good. I am here to testify that there is life after cancer.  There is hope, there is joy, and there is peace! 

 

HERE’S TO LIFE!!